


Herpetoculturism

by vyatka



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Gen, Lizards, Postpartum Depression, this isn't my best work but i wanted to write about Lizard Mom Helena
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-17 10:01:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14186454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vyatka/pseuds/vyatka
Summary: Cosima isn't ashamed to admit that Helena makes her nervous. It's reasonable, right? She knows her the least well of the four of them, and Helena's the only one who's been trained to kill, and - although no one's ever brought it up - there had been a time when Helena would have killed her without thinking twice about it.





	Herpetoculturism

Sarah isn't sure why she expected Helena to like dogs. It just - it seemed like the sort of thing that would fall in line with who Helena is, as a person. Her interests. Blood, little kids, food. What combines all that better than a dog? Sarah’s never had one herself, despite Felix’s copious begging when they were young, but she knows enough about them to know that for enthusiasts of messes and sharp teeth, they're a perfect pet. 

Which is why she's startled when Helena says, “I don't like dogs.” 

Contextually, she said it right after Sarah suggested that she get one. Helena’s been moodier than usual, lately, quieter and more withdrawn. According to Alison, it’s the stress of motherhood, and Sarah, unfortunately, doesn’t know enough about the stress of new motherhood to dispute it, not when Siobhan had shouldered the brunt of it. Still, it doesn’t seem like exhaustion that’s sapping Helena’s weight. 

Sarah’s noticed. 

Cosima and Alison think she’s inattentive, and fine, that’s fuckin’ fair, she is, but she knows Helena well enough to notice that she’s eating less. The muscle is dropping off of her, and so is the happiness, and. 

Christ, Sarah’s shit at emotional support. But what can she do? Send Helena to therapy? She’s trying to make her feel better, not send her to jail. Or a nuthouse. 

Anyway, “You should get a dog,” is what she spits out, one morning in Helena’s room, while they sit on her bed between the baby sacks and drink tea. 

Helena half-smiles. “I don’t like dogs, Sarah.” 

Sarah blinks. “Why? Seems like the sorta thing you’d like.” 

Helena looks her dead in the eyes. Her own are half-lidded. “No.” She brightens. “I like cats,” she offers. 

It would be the perfect solution - cats are easier to have around babies anyway, aren’t they - but Sarah sighs. “Alison’s allergic.” 

“And they would eat the lizards. Cats do this.”

Sarah laughs. 

Helena doesn’t; Sarah glances over. She had assumed it was a joke, but one can never know with Helena; she might be attempting to throw Sarah for a loop, just because she can. “Lizards?” 

Expressionless, Helena dips her shaggy head, and pulls something small and scaly out of the breast pocket of her overalls. “His name is Rachel,” she says, without further explanation. “Because he bites. There is also Paul, and Felix. I find him on the sidewalk a few weeks ago.” He clings to her middle finger, and Sarah has to credit Helena for the nomer, because his expression is as bitter as his namesake. “Where did he come from? I don’t know. Sand and lizards, they come from nowhere. But I put him in my pocket, and the next week, there is another one, and then there is another one. Now there are three.” 

It takes Sarah a second to stop laughing. “What the hell,” she mutters to herself. “You - and here I was, so bloody worried about you - lizards.” 

“You were worried?” 

“Felix and Paul?” Sarah presses her fingers against the sides of her nose. “Why Paul?” 

“He makes Felix angry. I cannot keep them in the same pocket.” 

Sarah loses it, then, fucking loses it, laughs until she can’t fucking breathe, until the babies wake up and she has to sit up, wiping her tears away, to help Helena mange them. 

***

“Oh, sick,” says Cosima, beaming. “You just found them on the sidewalk?” Paul sits grumpily on her palm. His coloring is lighter than the other two, and he's the biggest. 

Helena nods, the other two perched peaceably on her shoulders. It's a good look. Fits Helena. If any of them were to become a reptile goddess, it probably would have been her. 

“Well, they aren't wild,” Cosima says, and stacks one hand carefully under the other as Paul wanders. “These are pet store lizards, they aren't part of the natural fauna here. I think they're Tokay geckos.” She’s the only one of them who actually knows anything about lizards - she liked them as a kid, and they made an easy pet in college, and she’s had to dissect a few of them in her lifetime. It seems she’s earned the title of Clone Club Herpetologist.

“Tokay?” 

“They're a fairly popular pet. Is there a pet store somewhere close to you?” 

“I don't know. They are safe to have around babies?” 

Cosima offers Paul back to her, arching a brow; Helena cups her hands to receive him. He seems to know his mistress, because the aggression lessens some. Helena runs a careful finger down his back. “Probably. I mean, you could Google - “ she rethinks that. “I think as long as you don't let the babies play with them, you'll be fine.” 

“Babies should not play with them.” 

Cosima can't tell if it's a question. Her fingers flutter. “No. It would be, uh, dangerous for them both, because babies have those strong grips, and the geckos could bite. What are you feeding them?” 

“Bugs.” Helena clears her throat. “And bread.” 

Is bread bad for lizards? Likely, but as long as they’re getting fed. Cosima can't remember what she used to feed hers. 

"Did they escape? From pet store?" Helena wants to know. 

"Dunno. Either way, dude, I guess they're yours. If you want to take care of them." 

"I do." She pats the pocket Paul has subsided into. 

Cosima laughs a little, kind of nervously, and debates about adding "You have to keep them in a terrarium, though. If you leave them loose, it's only a matter of time before one of the babies grab them, or they end up in your shoe or something." She can just picture that, baby Donnie picking up a gecko and pulling its limbs off with the clumsy destructiveness that only little kids and rhinos possess. "I might have one, if you want it." 

Helena presses her lips together, then nods. "Can they live together?" 

"Rachel seems pretty mean. Maybe you could get a separate one for him and keep the others together?" 

Helena giggles. "Rachel." 

Cosima laughs, avoiding Helena's eyes, and sits in one of Alison's very Alison-like chairs. 

Helena sits, too. 

Cosima isn't ashamed to admit that Helena makes her nervous. It's reasonable, right? She knows her the least well of the four of them, and Helena's the only one who's been trained to kill, and - although no one's ever brought it up - there had been a time when Helena would have killed her without thinking twice about it. That has a way of dampering relationships. At least for Cosima. It doesn't seem to have stopped Sarah or Alison any. 

Nervousness isn't the _only_ thing she feels about Helena. There's awe, and curiosity, and even an amount of fondness. Helena's too endearing to hate. But still. Cosima's heart never totally settles when she's alone with her. 

She clears her throat. "So, are you gonna...go, or?" 

Helena, rolling Lizard Paul around her fingers again, looks up. "You want me to leave?" 

"No! No, you can do whatever you want, I was just wondering." Cosima exhales. "Who's watching the babies?" 

"Felix. Kira, too." 

"Where's Sarah?" Cosima asks, but Helena's already shaking her hair out. Right. 

"Out." 

Well, Helena's not giving her a lot to work with. Cosima fumbles for something else to say and comes up empty. They just don't have much to talk about. She's not exactly someone Cosima can prattle on about genetic coding and evolutionary development to. And whatever Helena's non-lizard interests are, she's clearly not itching to share them with Cosima, or else she would have. Cosima doesn't even know what Helena's hobbies are. 

_Strangling cats,_ Cosima's brain supplies. 

She immediately feels bad. 

"I can take care of these lizards," says Helena. Sarah might have been able to read the expression that flickers across her face. Cosima can only guess. "Probably I will be a better mother to them." 

Oh. 

_I am so far out of my field, _she thinks. Awkward, she smooths a hand over her hair, shrugs, and giggles. "What?" It's got to be the fakest 'what' she's ever heard. "Helena, you're a...great...mom."__

__Helena's pale lips press together again. Cosima's awful for thinking it, but she really, really, really hopes Helena doesn't cry. She doesn't know what to do when regular people cry, much less Helena. Is she supposed to...hug her? Hold her hand? Say she understands? Delphine's better than Cosima at navigating etiquette, although even Delphine would probably be at a loss with terrible, beautiful, unpredictable Helena._ _

__"No," Helena says. "Not really." She strokes absently at Paul's gecko head. "Not really."_ _

__"This is probably normal," offers Cosima. "Don't, uh, most mothers go through a period of feeling like they're inadequate? Especially twins." That's a spitball. She has no idea._ _

__Loudly, Helena sniffs. Her other hand skims over her belly - which is probably softer than it's ever been, Cosima realizes, and that must be jarring for her - and then she gets up. "I can have your terror inn," she says. "Yes?"_ _

__"My - the terrarium?"_ _

__Helena nods._ _

__And takes it._ _

__And leaves._ _

__Cosima sees her later, a gecko clinging to her pocket and baby Arthur on her hip. She waves. Helena waves back, jerky. Another one of the geckos clutches the back of her hand, disgruntled. She has to laugh._ _

__Helena will be okay. Cosima watches her swing around to say something to Alison._ _

__She'll have to be._ _

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment/kudos if you enjoyed!


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